do you sometimes feel that you are the only person in the world who feels the way you do?
me too.

on a cloudy day

Dear Lady with the Springer Pup
walking on down the road
I was only thinking of some exercise
when I passed you.
then you complemented the weather
saying how refreshing it was after a rain
funny...I had just heard someone complaining
that it was wet.
funny thing perspective is.
I like yours the best.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone
quite so short
I felt like I was bending in half
to look into your kind brown eyes
beneath those wisps of retiring hair.
we chatted about the weather
and then your dog that tried to bite me
she was really 'quite a dear'
you assured me, and for some reason
I believed you.
I think I would have believed anything you said.
you just had that way about you.
you asked where I lived...quite a piece
but you lived just down the road
in that 'brown house'
then 'it was nice talking to you'
with the most genuine simplicity
and a smile that warmed my very heart
we parted ways
but you left a skip in my step
yes, the air was very refreshing
and so was our meeting
thank you Lady,
when I am old and shrunken in size
I hope my eyes still sparkle
and my heart still sings a song
just like you.

menu [mind] washing

a mile high. at least, that's how they appeared. the stack of menus that still had to be cleaned loomed before me. my shift was technically done as it was after 9pm, but I hadn't gotten any side work done beforehand as I'd been helping Dolan buss tables since 5. why? because he is slow, I needed to seat people somewhere and, well, I actually secretly like bussing. I think I got a little carried away tonight and then by the time I looked at the clock it was time to go and I couldn't.
I started on the stack and my mind flitted across my day...

I had the morning off and so overslept. I should have worked out, but I didn't. I should have finished cleaning my room, but I got so tired thinking about it that I took a nap instead. I had the weirdest nap dream (why IS that?). it mostly consisted of everyone at the restaurant morphing into frightening creatures. it should have been a warning...
in real life, everything went wrong at work and everyone was annoyed/annoying. I ripped my shirt and everyone and their mother (and the owner in my case) had to tell me. I lost the back of my earring diving under a table to retrieve scattered crayons. attempting to seat a certain gentleman I bussed and set 3 tables before I cleared one he liked. the day was gloomy and I was moody and I had almost reached my snapping point. the next person who walked in 10 min after closing and wanted a table or mentioned my shirt or complained to me about their bad day, I was going to punch.

it was at this moment I remembered a text I had received yesterday. my friend had said, 'God will give you just what you need.'
I began thinking on this. He will give me what I need. in fact, He has given me what I need. I have a whole well-spring of life and grace and peace inside of me because of Jesus. I have a reason to rejoice! I have a reason to wipe down every last menu with enthusiasm! not because it's great fun but because I have the creator of this world as my best friend. how can I possibly have a bad day?
we have a hope sooo beyond this world, so beyond the muck and mire and everyday aggravating tasks that make us want to scream. we have a reason to smile through it all. Lord help this change my attitude, my night and my life.

'and let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart' - gal. 6:9

several years after giving up...

...I am positively determined to master the violin. I took lessons for a year when I was...12? 13? I can't even remember. I learned how to play all 73 versions of 'twinkle, twinkle' and had just begun the task of learning minuet in G and such pieces when my teacher moved and I quit. but now the spark has been reignited. just tonight. I was driving home from work with the stars shining above me when I had an epiphone. I was meant for greater things than just counting cash drawers and bussing tables. I need to write, to create, to perform! we are created to be creative beings and I have pushed that vital part of me to the very backest of burners for the past two years. I've been a withering, browny, spotty, sickly leaf recently. working crazy hours doing 5 jobs at the same time...researching school stuff, studying for my GED (who knew I'd forget algebra the second I graduated), being in T's wedding, being all big and older. really I'm thankful for all the work - I prayed for it and it came, BUT I now know that I have to make time for what's important. and no, it's not making $ 24/7. it's creating. that is why I started to write again - even if it's just here on this blog. if I am the only one who ever reads this, it will be worth it. because I need to. at least for now.
furthermore, I need to make music - which is also a forgotten part of me. a Nightwish concert this past weekend reminded me, then asking to help out with worship at church this morning - realizing I have nothing to contribute but some badly placed chords on the piano and my weak little voice.
so I shall pick up violin again. I will practice until my fingers bleed. I will be fearless, I will be flawless, I will be famous!!!
...maybe not. BUT perhaps such fantasies will motivate me to at least move beyond 'up above the world so high' - or, at least the first 10 versions.

first step: buy a violin directly and without delay.
well...maybe I should wait until morning.

no wal-mart, no wendy's, no problem.

what a piddily town I live in. so piddily in fact that it does not even have a post office...how sad is this? it's like I live nowhere. in the middle of a world full of thriving towns with their very own names, but having to borrow your neighboring town's name. we have a ski resort people. and a cider mill. and a cemetery. get with it. but yes, that pretty much sums up the list of sights. I think we had a gas station once... a one-pump, broken down, poor little thing. I guess it gave up.

you know what's weird? I don't wish I'd grown up anywhere else. in fact, I have a strange sort of love for the place. when I was knee-high to a toad's stool I could roam 3 miles in all directions and never hit a main road. I could ride our horses through fields and woods and up dirt trails without meeting anyone. I never have to shut my blinds. there are no limits to what size our bonfires can be. I can sing my lungs out on my porch. I can go streaking...

all this to say, there are definitely benefits to living where I do...in my piddily, hilly, corn fieldy, post-office-less town. now excuse me while I go sunbathe on my roof.

because the little bug went 'achoo'

I forgot to eat breakfast this morning. this rarely happens as I usually wake up famished out of my mind and consume my usual bowl of cheerios and granola before I can really open my eyes. however, this morning I awoke with a returning headache...it has plagued my week 3 times so far. apparently tylenol doesn't scare it for too long. whilst I waited for the acetaminophen to kick in I made myself a delicious pot of tea and consumed half a pan of brownies. then I just couldn't stop snacking all day. 

because I ate the brownies I wasn't too hungry for lunch, so I had a small salad. then since I didn't eat a good lunch I was hungry before dinner....so I ate crackers and cheese while peeling potatoes. I ate ice cream out of the carton while they baked. then just before bed I ate blueberry buckle and sweet bread. now I feel like an oomph-loompa.

lesson of the day: always eat breakfast.

next stop: shapaholics anonymous

blue skinnies. I've wanted them for several months now. coveting them actually. they're just one of those items I knew I really needed. not for any practical reason mind you, but simply because I mentally inventoried my closet and found a sad lack of fun, spunky clothing. I have plain t's, a stack of dull-colored dress pants and a row of summer skirts I never wear. for this lovely season of autumn I have practically nothing to wear but the same outfits I've had for 3 years. totally unacceptable.

I will admit...I am far too frugal for my own good and almost never buy anything unless it's clearance or at a second-hand store. I hardly ever go to the movies and I always ask to split food at restaurants (much to Anna's chagrin who is against saving $ of any kind).
but today I took the plunge. I bought blue skinny jeans. deliciously blue. fitted to perfection. and totally NOT on the clearance rack.
the best part?...

I feel absolutely no regret.

of rain and cement trucks

rain makes me sleepy. it rained all day today. and all day long all I wanted to do was curl up somewhere near a window and sleep. instead I worked from morning til evening with a raging headache and the knowledge that tomorrow I would do the same. and the next day. oh, and yes, I work weekends now too. BUT it was a nice idea...thinking about sleeping :p

I scribbled this out at the office today between patients: 

what a thoughtful descension

rain is to rhyme

a steady sensation

removing the grime

from the colorless street

well-trodden and dreary

cleansing a mind

laden and weary

with worries and cares

of present and past-tense

with a touch of despair

and such frivolous nonsense

the pitter-patter of droplets

distracts from the pathetic

lifting my spirits 

to the poetically aesthetic

if only the rain

would continue to fall

my pen would keep writing

and my troubles would stay small. 

see...I feel better already! :D I actually had a nightmere last night about work. tomorrow is my first day working a volume (all day) at the restaurant and in my dream the only vehicle available for me to hitch a ride with was a cement truck. the grease-ball driver man was in no hurry and I arrived an hour and a half late with the wrong clothes on. I hope that one doesn't come true. not only would I get fired but that would just be weird. 

I want to be 7 again

I miss myself. the way I used to be. all happy and carefree all the time. no worries about school, jobs or car payments. no deadlines, tests or huge life changing decisions looming over me like expectant storm clouds. what the heck happened?
oh yeah, I turned 8 ;)
I used to climb trees because I had such hours to do such things. I used to do random photo shoots with Anna. I used to bake cookies for the fun of it and oh yeah, I used to blog! ha...

well, maybe nostalgia has kicked in for a moment. this morning I woke up with the world on my shoulders and a half written poem thrown on my bedroom floor. I need to write more. I know it's in me somewhere wanting to escape. then it gets choked out by being a stressed out old person. hence the 7 year old thoughts. and hence me writing on my poor forgotten blog that no one reads, haha. I wonder why.

today I will write. I will plan to dress up and do a photo shoot as soon as possible and heck, I may even climb a tree. it's time to be 7 again.