engine light

I got in my car, started it, then stared angrily at the stupid engine light that was still on. I was sort of wishing that little glowing symbol was just a up-way-too-late mirage from last night. but no, it was daylight and it was there for real. it still is actually. I should prob go check that out. I'd so much rather ignore it and see if it goes away.

I stare at my floor. it's covered with strewn clothing. I wish that would go away too. I used to be so organized. everything had to be in its designated place and I would get so mad at Anna if her side of the room was messy. then somewhere down the line we got our own rooms. hers is clean. mine is messy. I don't know what happened.

a mile long: the list I of things I should be doing right now. instead I went through my facebook albums and looked through all my pictures. it's weird what you've done in your life and totally forgotten about...until you see it plastered all over cyberspace. I think life is lived in little pockets of time. each one unique and frankly, strange, and then it's over and all you have is a picture. like those far-off drama camp pictures I found today. I did that?? like braces and bad haircuts and friends I thought were forever. it's weird looking back. I smile and then I want to cry and then I just want to sleep. yeah, mostly just sleep. I think that's the best way to deal with things, haha.

but do you know what I absolutely love about life? amidst all the questions and confusion and engine lights...there is beauty too. there is goodness and hope. I inhaled fresh air today. I had a dance party with a couple amazing 4 year olds. I laughed and ran in the wind and made chili for my family. and isn't that what life comes down to? those moments, even the little ones, that bring us joy? the ones where we forget ourselves (and our messy rooms) and simply enjoy each other? enjoy the air we breathe? enjoy life?

it's so easy to forget that our beating hearts are a gift from God. that we're not guaranteed a tomorrow. even if our cars break down and our jobs drive us crazy and our world goes to pot...we have a Hope beyond all that. how selfish I am. I wish I wasn't the first person I thought about all the time. now I think I'll go tell some people that I love them. I have a feeling it's going to be far more productive than regurgitating my past via facebook. and that's hard to beat. *ahem* :p