five months

real talk time. I miss home. I miss Emily and Anna and Bebe and stacking wood. I miss parking where I want, going barefoot everywhere, doing horse chores, and eating Mom's cooking. what is that you say? yes, I am HOMESICK. I put it in all caps because I am not ashamed to say it. to who you ask? myself. because I write this blog (irregularly of course) to myself. if you're not myself, well then, hello. thanks for stopping by to read this online diary of random happenings in my life ;).

in 23 minutes it will be my 5 month anniversary of living in Boston. I really do like it here. it's been a fantastic experience. and just so I don't forget - 5 things I've learned so far:

1. never leave valuables in car - they will be stolen.

2. buy peanut butter in the big jars

3. drive like a maniac or get driven into by a maniac

4. hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard

5. Jesus is the best

also, I used to think AC was for wimps only. either I was wrong or I'm a wimp because I live next to that thing most days. plus my window doesn't really open because there's a storm window on the other side that I'm afraid to take off. plus if I did take it off all that would enter my room would be stagnate city air. yum! so yes, the AC is my friend. so is Jesus :)

this whole experience has been so stretching for me. I should be quite flexible by the end. learning more about how weak I am as a human being and how much I need God's help every day. with getting work, paying bills, managing time, loving people, making friendships, getting up in the morning, everything! yet I'm always striving to do things on my own and face-planting in the process. I really needed God today. I was so overwhelmed with a client up my butt about her photos, my Dropbox shutting down, figuring out this website deal, editing pics, gazing at my checkbook, being attacked by Mia (our darling cat - who I know have scars from), thinking about my future, not knowing what I'm doing, where I'm going, or who I am... just to name a few.

I finally got outside in a park and laid in the grass so I could look up at that big expanse of blue we call the sky. do you know what I heard?

"as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."(Isaiah 55:9)

Praise. God. I let those words sink into my soul. God isn't trapped in this frail little mind of mine. he's not wrestling with these questions and wondering what to do next. he has everything under control and all I need to do is trust him and follow him, wholeheartedly. I want this so bad. more than anything. what's the point of this life anyway? to get the best job, meet the best guy, live in the best house? no. all those are nice and everything but the point is to glorify God. no matter what you're doing, who you're with or where you live. we're being made more Christ-like everyday, and that IS the most important thing. I need this reminder all the time. God help me relinquish my sense of control over my life and let you live through me. make me more like you. help me rest in the fact that you LOVE me and have a purpose for my life far greater than anything I could dream up. I want to live in the NOW and enjoy what I've been given, right where I am.

I miss home. I miss my family and my friends and my long driveway. but I have a home in Jesus and that is where I find everything I need. in his arms. thank you Daddy. thank you for your faithfulness to me.

who ya know

a courtroom lit with candles, light dancing off the smooth gold walls and illuminating everything in a majestic, somber glow. I stand before the Judge and he asks me to give account of my life.

silence. 

my whole life? surely, there must be something good I have done, something that would make me worthy of a happy afterlife. hands clasped tightly behind my back I look up to the ceiling trying to recall a brave deed, a selfless act, all the money I tithed to charities while on earth. as the words come tumbling out they sound hollow, even to my ears. complete emptiness. I can never deserve heaven, I have done nothing good enough, I am not good enough. my sinfulness can be seen, felt. I am deserving only of damnation. 

the Judge, so holy and just that He can deliver no other sentence, opens His mouth... just then a side door opens and the Judge's son enters and looks at me, recognition dawning on his face.

'it's okay Dad, I know her.' 

- - - - - - 

people say it's all about who you know. that's how movie stars rise to the top, how CEO's land the job, how backstage passes get handed out. you have to know somebody in the biz, be connected in some way with someone of importance, someone in the elite group. salvation is no different. 

do you know Jesus? 

if there is nothing else I do in life, it should be to get to know better and more fully the savior of my soul. the one who gave his life for me, who paid the price for my sin (natural and behavioral) and will put in a good word for me when I stand before God at the end of my life. we can't earn God's favor, that is so incredibly impossible. 

it won't matter what job I have, where I live or who I'm married to. it will only matter that I know Jesus Christ, and that he knows me back. 

BostonStrong

it's raining now, and 5am, but it's finally peaceful. since I'm up I might as well think out loud. yesterday was one of the most intense roller coaster rides I have ever lived through. I've only lived in Boston for 3 weeks and since I've been here craziness has been happening. marathon monday was earlier this week, a day celebrated by not just Bostonians, and not just by America, but pretty much by every country that likes to run. people dedicate years of their lives to train for this race, most of the time for a cause bigger than their selves. people run for cancer, for loved ones who are now gone, to raise money for charities, sometimes pushing wheelchairs the whole 26.2 miles. it's a day of inspiration, good clean family fun, and to celebrate Patriot's Day in our historic city. I was really bummed that I couldn't go witness this event my first year here as I had to nanny that day. and that's when I heard the reports of bombs going off at the finish line. 3 people were dead, 170+ were badly injured, some loosing both their legs in the explosions. people were panicking, cell towers were down as police tried to control the situation, not wanting another bomb to be triggered electronically if that was the case. no one could call. texts came pouring in with rumors of other bombs, a fire was blazing at a nearby library, transportation was shut down. Chris and I had plans to go into Boston that night but spent the evening watching the news instead.

in the days that followed we watched as our law enforcement tried everything they could to put the pieces together, to try to find the ones that caused so much damage and fear to spread through the city. friday morning I woke up to the news: we had the faces of 2 suspects and a full-on manhunt was underway. a convenient store robbery had tipped off the police and a shootout had left one officer dead, one in critical condition, and several wounded. one suspect was killed in the exchange of fire, but suspect #2 had escaped. armed and dangerous. the entire city was in lockdown. public transportation was closed, Logan Airport was closed, taxi service was suspended and people were told to shut down businesses and lock their doors. we sat glued to the TV for hours - watching as Boston police, SWAT teams, and the FBI combed the streets for Dzhokhar Tsamaev, a 19 year old boy from Kyrgyzstan - the younger brother of Tamerlan, suspect #1, who was now dead. 

I couldn't go to work. no one could do anything. tension was high and all we could do was wait and watch the scene unfold, just 2.5 miles from our house. it was a long day to say the least. late in the evening it didn't seem that any headway was made and the stay-inside restriction was lifted. within half an hour all hell erupted again as a neighbor in Watertown looked into her backyard and informed 911 she thought the suspect might be hiding in her boat. within minutes the scene was surrounded by officials, and after a very tense hour of negotiations they had him, badly wounded, but alive and in custody. 

you could feel the whole city, maybe the whole country, let out a huge sigh of relief. we joined the neighbors for a celebratory group hug on the street and then walked in some precious fresh air to Porter Square for some dinner and drinks. everyone was out, smiling, relieved. we high-fived our waitress and shouted "go Boston, go America!" to strangers on the street. we had all been through a little piece of hell that week, and now was the time to celebrate! 

it all is a lot to process - sitting here now in this stillness. it would have been so easy for me to have been at the finish line last monday, so easy for the situation to have been far worse, as awful as it was. my heart swells with pride now recalling how our men-in-arms put themselves in harms way to catch these terrorists, how the whole city pulled together and worked together to overcome tragedy and in the end, triumph over evil. I am proud to be surrounded by these brave people, proud to be an American, and yes - though it only be 3 weeks, proud to be a Bostonian. 

but my thankfulness first, and mostly, goes to God - who is always sovereign and always in control. I pray for peace and comfort for those still suffering the worst from this time - in loss of family members, limbs, and peace of mind. I thank Him that the worst is over and we can begin to sort through all of this. thankful certain bombs did not go off as intended. thankful for Sean Collier, the MIT officer who gave his life in pursuit of justice and freedom from terror. I sit here slightly overwhelmed, saddened, yet thankful. 

may God be praised this saturday morning, and may God bless America.

it's been one week

here I am - sitting all cozy in my new room in cambridge. I awoke this morning to pounding on the door and bolted out of bed just in time to see a man coming into the apartment. thankfully a nice man, and one who I knew was coming - it just took a moment for my mind to clear to the memory. he was there to install french doors between the living room and the other bedroom.

'hello sir - oh yes you can come in, yes I'm in my pj's and look like a ghost from an awful kind of christmas past, but DO come in.' haha - I'm so glad I can make myself laugh. because if I didn't, well, I would probably cry.

the other night I fell into bed exhausted and had only just settled in when the neighbors decided to BLAST a movie. as in I could hear half the dialog and recognize the songs. do you know what came drifting through the ceiling to greet my sleepless ears?? "Prince Aliiiii, mighty is heeee, Ali Ababwaaaa..." yes, they were blasting ALADDIN. it was so amusing I had to laugh. then lie awake and hum along for the next hour and a half waiting for it to be over. someday I'll learn how to sleep with noise - but I probably won't. I'll just go through life sleep deprived. as long as I have neighbors living above my head that is.

I love boston so far. it feels familiar already - like I belong here. I love walking to the train, hopping on, hopping off, finding my way places and meeting new people. the world seems so much bigger, so much more FULL and brimming with possibilities. God has opened some amazing doors for me - not the least is the wedding photographer I will be interning with this summer. her name is Courtney and I love her already.

I am afraid I could get quite used to city life - to everything being so close and convenient. I wonder how long I will be here, or if I will every get sick of it.

I baked cookies today

I called in my 2 week notice last sunday afternoon, and yesterday walked away from the restaurant for the last time - grinning from ear to ear. well...the last time until I have to go back to pick up my paystub BUT it was indeed a liberating feeling. I QUIT MY JOB!!!!!!!! I've never done that before. ever. but alas it was not just because I couldn't stand the place (which occasionally was true) but that I am moving. to boston. in like, a month.

scariest thought ever.

I've also never really moved (the 8 houses I've lived in since birth don't count as they were all within 20 miles of each other). I am overall incredibly excited and just a taddddd bit super-crazily-spazzing-out-because-I-will-miss-my-family-so-much. I literally lie awake in bed for at least 10 minutes per night and weigh whether I should go and pursue my photography career OR stay home and bake cookies with my mom for the rest of my life. it is a hard decision. because I seriously LOVE my family so much and have always known that no matter how my day goes, or how I feel, or what has happened, I can always come home to the comfort of my wood stove, drink tea while watching NCIS and have a 3 hour debriefing therapy session with my sister. whichever one happens to be home.

the good thing IS I will not be really leaving my family because I will be moving in with Teresa and Chris in Cambridge. I hope she likes having sister-talks, because we are having them. at least once a day.

it will definitely not be the same, but I believe I am ready for this new adventure. I am at that point in my life where I am free and single and can be as adventurous as I like. I have prayed and prayed and am continuing to pray for God's leading, because ultimately, that is my goal - no matter where I am. He has truly provided for me for the past 20 years and I trust that He will supply all my needs in this new season.

I quit one of my jobs so I can be a little less scatterbrained this last month and actually enjoy my family and friends while also working on my photography and hey, maybe I'll clean my room too. it's like a little stay-cation and so far (today is my first restaurantless day) I am loving it. evenings and weekends are mine again. MINE ALL MINE MY OWN! yes, it's that intense.

now I'm off to eat some more cookies...life is good.

olayyy

No one told me that zumba was dangerous. Nobody warned me of the health hazards. No. I had to find out the hard way. 

A couple months ago my sister Emily, my friend Jessica, and myself decided to try out a zumba class. We found the gym eventually...you had to get to it by this back ally and down dark hallways and up down stairs and then there was this random room that resembled a gym and another room where the zumba class was held. That should have been a warning. The instructor was very friendly and told us to select small weights from the bin as this was zumba toning. Real exercise here ladies. She suggested 1 lb weights but if we thought that wasn't enough to feel the burn we could go for the 2 pounders. Obviously I selected the heavier weights as come on, this is zumba, not crossfit. Little did I know...

By the 43rd ra-cha-cha song I was losing feeling in my arms. I just wanted to crumple into a heap on the floor and gasp for air. I hoisted my now-very-heavy 2 lb weights into the air for a final set of bicep curls then swung them to the left when it happened. One of those tin-teeny-little weights met my tinier-teenier-littler pinky finger on my other hand and smashed the living daylights out of it. 

It has been 2 months since I attended zumba class. But my pinky finger looks worse everyday and people constantly ask me what happened to turn it so black and blue. 

I just smile and say, "working out."

My 4-year-old niece Zoe sitting at the table drinking a smoothie: "this is Perrrrrfect." (in a high pitched british accent)
Me: "haha, where did you learn that?"
Looks at me incredulously for a minute: "YOU!!" 

I love being an aunt.